Sorry
by St. Harridan
Summary: At Kaien's funeral, Jushiro finds that it is only before a loved one that a person can show true weakness. Kenpachi/Jushiro, one-sided Shunsui/Jushiro, implied Jushiro/Kaien.


**Summary: **At Kaien's funeral, Jushiro finds that it is only before a loved one that a person can show true weakness. Kenpachi/Jushiro, one-sided Shunsui/Jushiro, implied Jushiro/Kaien.

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><p><span>Sorry<span>

Jushiro doesn't understand it.

He is…he _was _a great shinigami, one of the best – if not _the _best – lieutenants a captain can ask for, and yet there he is. Ripped apart. Bloody. Mutilated.

Dead.

Jushiro turns away, eyes squeezed shut, unable to take in the sight. Despite having been through countless trials, having been at numerous funerals, held his dying friends in his arms, he hates death. He hates seeing his companions die while he lives to tell the tale. Sometimes, he has to admit that he is scared of death.

And the one person who isn't scared of death, who embraces it like the demon that he is, isn't there.

Jushiro has hoped that he will be here, but then again, the man prefers going shopping for candy than attend such a sorrowful event.

Jushiro can't blame him. It's been years; he's supposed to be accustomed to the man's personality by now, but then he finds that he's harbouring a bit of hatred, of loathing for him within his heart for not attending the funeral.

He's supposed to be with Jushiro, to hold him, support him, but he isn't.

The only person here, the only one who's sharing the room with Jushiro, is standing behind him.

Kyoraku Shunsui – Jushiro has known that Shunsui will be there. He'll always be there; through rain and sunshine, thick and thin, he'll be there for Jushiro.

Jushiro isn't surprised when Shunsui showed up and took him in his arms and held him for what seemed like hours, his large body emitting warmth that was very much foreign. Jushiro didn't say anything, only leading Shunsui into the room when he let go, his head lowered, eyes downcast without saying a word.

When Jushiro finally turns away from the casket, when he steps back and turns around, Shunsui is there beside him, hand secured on his arm.

"I'm fine," he says, forcing a smile, brushing Shunsui's concern aside. He doesn't want him to burden himself with worries and troubles that are not his own. Even though they've been together for gods-know-how-long, Jushiro doesn't want to cause him more distress.

Jushiro doesn't want to show him his weakness.

And so he, after gently prying Shunsui's hand off him, walks away from the casket. The thumping against his chest is increasing in volume with every step he takes from the body as images of Kaien begin flashing through his mind. It's difficult to see that handsome face over and over again, knowing that now he'll never be able to touch him.

"I know ye loved 'em."

Jushiro looks up, blinking the moisture from his eyes, and that is when he sees the man in the doorway. He must have been too caught up with his thoughts that he didn't notice the strong spiritual pressure till now.

A gulp as he swallows the lump in his throat, his eyes locked with Kenpachi's grey iris. He isn't sure what to say, how to confront his own feelings.

Despite having tried his best to keep their affair a secret, Jushiro is certain all along that Kenpachi knows of their relationship, but what bothers him is why Kenpachi never said anything about it till that moment, till Kaien's death.

Jushiro has never imagined himself to be in such a state, a state wherein he is to be blamed. He just can't help himself, what with Kenpachi and his difficulties with showing his emotions…and Kaien was always there.

Squeezing his eyes shut, Jushiro now knows that he shouldn't have done it, should have just settled with what he had. Now Kaien's gone, now he doesn't have a lieutenant, he's lost a lover.

If Kenpachi doesn't come, Jushiro will understand. Even if he's supposed to be there to "support" Jushiro, it's odd. How can one stay behind a cheating spouse?

But then there he is, ragged-hemmed haori, bells, nameless zanpakuto and scar – everything Jushiro remembers of him. Everything he adores about him.

And Jushiro walks right into his arms, buries his face in his shoulder, wraps his arms around his waist, fingers gripping his uniform.

Shunsui stares, unable to comprehend it.

Kenpachi flashes him a short glare, and then he takes Jushiro into an embrace, one that engulfs Jushiro in that familiar warmth, encircling him with the pleasant smell of freshly cut leaves and wet soil.

"I'm sorry," Jushiro whispers, barely audible. "I'm so sorry."

Kenpachi's arms tighten unconsciously around him, frown deepening. "Shut up."

But Jushiro doesn't seem to hear him. "I didn't mean it, I…I really didn't, I just…I'm sorry-"

"Shut _up_, asshole." Kenpachi absently brushes the hair out of his eyes and presses his lips to the top of Jushiro's forehead. "Just shut the fuck up."

Jushiro can't even look at Kenpachi, afraid of what he'll see, but then he's relieved to have him here, to hold him so closely. He finds that he misses him and the times they used to spend together.

Even those nights with Kaien don't add up to this one moment.

Jushiro finds that he doesn't want to let Kenpachi go, fearful that he'll leave him, and so he holds on. The man is his anchor – always has been. Kaien is…was just a replacement.

"I'm sorry," Jushiro whispers again, but this time, he isn't apologizing to Kenpachi.

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><p><strong>Comments and corrections welcomed.<strong>

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